IN CUPID'S WAKE
Laura Smith
Dead silent would be the term I would use to describe the day, if the words didn't have so much impact here in Sunnydale.
Ever since the day Buffy left home, I've been examining the things that happen around me much more closely. I've looked at all the horrible things that have occurred that I never saw or noted in all the years my daughter has been the Slayer. And I hate myself for every cross word that passed between us.
There is, however, one incident that I try not to dwell on too much.
The candy.
And Mr. Giles.
I had hopes that things were going to be okay when I ran into him at the mall. He seemed, for the first time since the effects had worn off, at ease around me. I was pleasantly surprised, not to mention relieved, that we were going to be back on a normal footing. I didn't even think…why would I have thought his being with Willow would mean anything else?
I can't believe he's with Willow.
I get up from my chair and leave the gallery office. It's rather odd, I decide as I pace the length of the gallery, to get up the courage to ask him on a date, to kiss him, only to find out he's living with your daughter's best friend.
It's even more odd to realize that you're the reason he suddenly seems so miserable.
I forced Buffy to tell me the story last night, and my heart hurt at the thought of Willow leaving him after seeing me kiss him. And my heart hurts now, because I'm ashamed. Part of me was also secretly glad to know that I still had the power.
Other than Ted, I've been alone for a long time. Mr. Giles - Rupert - made me feel like a woman again.
I stop pacing as the bell above the door sounds. I turn around, hoping for a customer to give me something to do, something to think about other than what a mess my life has become.
"Hello Joyce."
"Hello Rupert." So much for that hope. "What brings you here?"
"I wanted to apologize for last night."
"Why don't you come in my office?" I notice the blush on his face at those words and remember, belatedly, that he and Willow made up in that room. I laugh to myself wondering how exactly they made up in that room.
"Actually, would you like to go out for a cup of coffee or something?"
I see. He's nervous being alone with me. I wonder if Willow is the jealous type? I can't believe I'm wondering.
"I'm afraid I'm the only one here today." I shrug, wondering where I came up with all this acting ability. "But the office offer still stands."
He glances around and shrugs, following me into the small room. He sits across from me, his eyes meeting mine. "I want to apologize, as I said. But not just for last night."
I sit on the edge of my desk, so that I'm looking down at him. He squirms a little in his chair and I have to work to hide my smile. He and Willow left quickly last night, which meant I had to deal with the fallout. I had to deal with explaining that no, we weren't sleeping together, he'd just offered to escort me since I was hosting.
I convinced almost everyone. Everyone except Willow's father, who must have known the truth and a couple of my friends. And I almost convinced myself. Because I had spent the entire day planning what I was going to do the moment we were alone. I had planned a romantic dinner, a few drinks, a few dances. And then I had fully intended to take him to bed with me.
"I don't see that you have anything to apologize for, other than not telling me the truth. I kissed you that day in the living room, I asked you to attend the event with me."
"But I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you that day in the mall when you brought Willow's engagement ring up. I deliberately didn't tell you."
"Why was that?"
"I was a little embarrassed. Not of Willow," he amends quickly. "I have been worried how the news would be received by everyone, so I've been reluctant to tell anyone. Xander, Buffy, Faith and Oz know, of course, and Willow's parents, but that's been all until last night."
"I'm still not seeing why you feel the need to apologize."
"Because Buffy and Xander spent the morning telling me what you went through last night after we left. And I was so caught up in Willow's forgiveness that I left you to deal with everything. And so I need to apologize."
It's funny how emotions rule us, even when we think they don't. I don't remember wanting to slap him. I don't remember even thinking it. But when I looked at him again, he was holding his cheek and staring at me with wide eyes.
"Oh. Sorry."
"I suppose I deserved it." He rubs his face tenderly and I hold in the urge to stroke the pain away myself. I really need to find a man. "I suppose I deserve at least that."
I'm about to respond when I think, for the first time, of when Willow walked in on us kissing. I hadn't even thought about it until this very minute. Buffy and Xander hadn't brought it up last night and I think I've tried to push the thought out of my mind.
Or, I realize in a flash of insight, perhaps I knew and didn't want it to be true. Willow wasn't very good at hiding her emotions. And I know betrayal when I see it.
I look up at him, startled, as I realize he's still talking. "…are you all right?"
I blush and get off the desk, circling around it in an effort to put distance between us. "Fine. I'm fine."
He stands and I can see the concern in his eyes as he comes closer. "I'd have to argue with you on that score."
I put my hand up to ward him off. "Please?"
He takes a step back and I can't help but breathe a little easier. "What's wrong Joyce?"
I shake my head. "Just realizing a little something about myself. And not exactly liking what I see."
"Oh?" He returns to his seat and I sit behind the desk, needing the space between us. "I find that hard to believe."
"I would too," I laugh self-deprecatingly. "At least I would if I didn't have a track record of doing things I'm not proud of. I…I don't…" I'm surprised at the tears in my eyes. He notices them too and, after the briefest of hesitations, moves to my side.
I let myself fall into his arms and cry against his chest. It all comes out - the fear for what Buffy does, the loneliness, the horrible certainty that it's all going to end with me and Buffy, that my daughter is not going to grow up, that I will outlive her, the sheer weight of needing someone to lean on and having no one. He holds me, impersonally but comforting. I let all of the tension of the past few years go in that one cry.
When I pull away, his shirt is damp from my tears and there are little streaks of makeup staining it. "I'm so sorry, I hope that…"
"Don't worry. She'll understand."
I nod. "You're both very lucky."
He nods as well, and I can picture us through someone else's eyes and I start laughing, almost as hard as I was crying just moments before. He laughs with me for a while, a small, quirky smile on his face. Perhaps his position as Watcher requires that he know how to deal with hysterical females. "Are you going to be all right, Joyce?"
"I think so. Now. For a little while longer."
His eyes soften and I'm scared for a moment that he's going to say something that I'll have to slap him for again. If he so much as offers me a pithy condolence on how I'm sure to find someone…
"You shouldn't worry about Buffy. I have a sense that she's going to outlive us all."
My reply catches in my throat and I can only nod.
"I'm going to go now. You'll…you'll be all right?"
"Absolutely."
He gives me another small smile and I picture for a moment, the man - Ripper - that he hides from the rest of the world. I wonder if he lets him out occasionally. I wonder if he ever has any fun that is not magically induced. I wait until he's gone before locking the door of the gallery behind him. It's been slow today and I think it would be nice to spend some time out in the sun or out with my daughter.
I will be all right.
Eventually.