Before the Fire
Fandom: BtVS
Rating: FRU
Pairing: Willow/Giles
Summary: Willow and Giles discuss their feelings. Sequel to Warming Up.
Spoilers: for all of BtVS, I guess
Setting: AU Post-Chosen
Feedback: Pretty please. Constructive criticism is always welcome. If you want to flame me, well okay, I have chainsaws.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters (if I did Willow would be with Giles where she belongs!); I just hijack them and take them out for a joyride every now and then. Also, I have no beta, so any and all mistakes are solely mine.
Warning: This one is very wordy and I don't feel it is as good as Warming Up , but it insisted on being written so I did.
Willow and Giles sat sipping tea in front a roaring fire. After their snowball fight, Willow had led the way to her flat where they'd shucked off their snowy coats and Willow hung them in the bathroom while Giles put the kettle on. Each sat staring into the flames, lost in their own thoughts. And their thoughts were centred on one thing:their kiss.
Willow was amazed at her own boldness. She couldn't believe she'd just kissed Giles like she had. And then her offer! Not that she hadn't meant it. She'd had feelings for Giles since she'd met him. She'd never acted on them, though. She didn't think he'd thought of her that way. And then there was the fact that she was too young at that time. Then came Oz, who had captured her heart, though her feelings for Giles remained. She'd just buried them, believing it was best for all of them. When Oz had left her, she'd considered letting Giles know, but chickened out. She'd even still had them when she was with Tara, much as she'd loved Tara. That was a confusing time. How could she be in love with a woman, which meant she had to be gay, yet still have those feelings for a man? So she'd kept the feelings buried. After Tara was killed, she'd been too devastated by Tara's death, and her own subsequent actions to even think about her feelings for Giles. Plus, having nearly killed him, she doubted he could possibly return her feelings. She wouldn't have blamed him if he had hated her. But he hadn't, taking her to England and the coven to recover and learn to control her enormous power. He'd taken her into his own home and helped her and supported her through it all, never once reproaching her for her actions. It had only made her love him more. When the time came for her to leave, she hadn't wanted to, partly because she was afraid her friends wouldn't welcome her back, and partly because she felt that, given a little more time, she might have found the courage to let Giles know how she felt. Kennedy had been a mistake; someone to cling to when she felt scared. But, then, Kennedy had been using her, too. She'd been a power junkie, attracted to Willow only because Willow was a powerful witch. Willow, the person, had mattered little to the then-Potential. It had been easy to leave her in Brazil. She'd never truly touched Willow's heart because there was something fundamental about Kennedy that failed to appeal to Willow's gentle heart. She'd left Brazil without a backward glance, never feeling the sorrow one would have expected after a break up. And once in England, her feelings for Giles resurfaced, causing her to turn down any romantic offers. She wanted Giles and no one else. She was just waiting for the right time to let him know. And today, she'd felt the time was right, so she'd acted before she could wimp out again.
Giles had been floored by Willow's kiss. Where had that come from? True, he had dreamed of kissing her for years, but he'd never once imagined she might want to kiss him. After all, he was so much older than she. And then there was the fact that she'd declared herself gay. So what had prompted her to kiss him? Could she possibly return his feelings? He'd thought he'd hidden his feelings for her well. He'd had them almost from the first time he'd met her in the library. Her intelligence had amazed him, her loyalty to her friends had impressed him, her shy enthusiasm had charmed him. And as the years had passed his admiration for her had grown, as had his love for her. But she'd been a student at first, so he'd concealed his feelings, out of necessity and the knowledge that she could never feel that way about him. Then he'd found Jenny and she'd found Oz. And he'd loved Jenny, though he hadn't been in love with her, despite her lies and betrayal. And he was happy that Willow had found Oz, even though he still loved her. Oz had been good for Willow. He'd recognised her beauty, appreciated her intelligence, and given her shaky self-esteem a boost. When Oz had left her Giles had been angry, but understood Oz's reasons. And he'd been relieved that Willow would be safe. He'd considered revealing his feelings at the time, but felt he needed to give her time to heal first. Then came Tara, and Giles felt that he'd waited too long and missed his chance. But she was happy, and that was what meant the most to him. He wanted her happiness above all else. When he'd left after Buffy's death, he'd believed she and Tara were solidly committed to each other, and felt that the time was right for him to go. She didn't need him anymore. When he returned after Buffy's resurrection, he'd been upset and disappointed in her, for she was playing around with forces that could destroy her, and he couldn't bear that thought. He'd also felt an unreasoning anger at Tara for not stopping her. The argument they'd had in the Summers' kitchen had worried and saddened him, for he realised that the dark forces were already changing Willow. When he'd left the second time, after the disastrous memory-erasing spell, he'd had second thoughts, afraid he was abandoning Willow in her time of need, for he knew Tara was leaving her. But he knew he couldn't stay or Buffy would never stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her life. He'd left without speaking to Willow, knowing that going to see her would only lead to another angry, emotional confrontation with Buffy. He'd worried constantly about Willow once back in England, wondering how she was taking the break up with Tara, fearing the dark forces would overwhelm her. When he returned to confront her in her greatest evil, he did so both out of guilt for not being there for her when she'd needed him, and out of the love he'd never lost for her. When he'd brought her to England to mend and master her powers, that love had surged to the fore, but he ruthlessly tamped it down, knowing it was not the time. She needed the space to mourn and heal from Tara's death. When he'd put her on the plane to Sunnydale, it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He'd wanted desperately for her to stay, but knew she was needed there more than he needed her. When he'd returned with the Potentials, the coming apocalypse had overshadowed any personal concerns. When she'd taken up with Kennedy, he was uneasy, feeling that the Potential was using her in some way, but he was happy that there was someone strong near her to protect her during the perilous times. When the battle had been won, it seemed that she hadn't really wanted to accompany Kennedy to Brazil, but was only doing it out of a sense of duty. This was confirmed by how quickly she'd left Brazil and how she hadn't lamented the end of the relationship. She'd thrown herself into the New Council's business and what spare time she had was either spent at the coven or with himself. It had been heaven to spend so much time with her, but hadn't revealed his feelings, not believing she would return them. He didn't want to lose her friendship over his unwanted advances, so he'd kept quiet. And now she'd kissed him. And offered more. Could his feelings really be reciprocated?
"Giles..." "Willow..." they both spoke at the same time.
They both chuckled and Giles indicated that Willow should speak first.
"Giles," she took a deep, steadying breath to gather courage, "About the kiss. I want you to know that I've wanted to do that for a long time, and it was great, and I hope you wanted it to, but if you didn't I'm sorry, and it will never happen again, and I hope you can forgive me and we can go on being friends and still work together though if you don't want to I'll understand..."
"Willow," he interrupted her babble, "I am not sorry about the kiss. I just wondered where it came from. You've been rather...insistent... about not being interested in men for several years now."
"Oh,um, yeah," she blushed, "Well, I guess maybe I'm bi. You see, I had feelings for you back in high school, but I never dreamed that you might feel the same way. I mean, I was just...me. Plain old Willow. Then Oz made me realise that maybe there was more to me. But I still didn't think you would look twice at me. After all, there was Ms. Calendar and then Olivia and they were so beautiful. How could I compete with them? Besides, I had Oz. And then I didn't. I almost told you then how I felt, but I got nervous and scared you didn't feel the same way and you wouldn't be my friend any more so I didn't. And then there was Tara, and I loved her so much, but I never stopped loving you. It really confused me. How could I be in love with two people at the same time? And one of them a woman? Then Tara...died...and I was hurting so much, but I still loved you. And after what I had done to you, I thought you would hate me. I'd hurt you so badly. But you didn't. You helped me. You brought me here to England and took me to the coven. After a while I wanted to tell you, but again I chickened out. Then I had to leave. It wasn't just because I was afraid of Buffy, Dawn and Xander's reactions to me that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave you. I thought if I'd stayed a little bit more I would have gotten up the nerve to tell you. But I knew I had to go. They needed me. And Kennedy. She was persistent, so I finally decided to try with her. And it was a mistake. We were with each other for the wrong reasons. She was all about power and how much I had, and I was afraid of being alone. If I'd even thought you might have been interested, I would have never have done it. I certainly would have never gone to Brazil."
"I'm rather embarrassed to admit that I've had feelings for you for quite some time. Longer than was appropriate, I fear. But there were so many things in the way: my age, Oz, Jenny, Tara, Buffy's reaction... And then, I didn't dare hope you could return my feelings. What could a beautiful young woman possibly see in a man like me? So I kept my feelings to myself. I wanted to tell you so many times, but always felt the time wasn't right. When Oz left, I almost did, but felt you needed time to recover from his leaving. Then came Tara. Last summer, when you were staying here, I came very close to making my feelings known, but you needed to heal first. Then they needed you in Sunnydale. I wanted you to stay very much, but you needed to help your friends. I couldn't in good conscience stop you. The you took up with Kennedy, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship so I kept quiet. When you left her and came here, I didn't presume you might want to be with me, so I never acted on my feelings."
"Okay," Willow said, perking up, "We've had our 'big discussion,' we've examined our feelings, we've kicked it around, hashed and rehashed everything, so can we get on with the smoochies? I think you know that patience isn't always one of my virtues."
"I'm sure that there are many, many reasons why we shouldn't do this, but I really don't care at this point, " Giles replied, opening his arms.
Willow set down her tea, moved into his arms and pressed her lips to his. Breaking the kiss many moments later she looked at him and smiled.
"Just want you to know, my offer from earlier still stands."
Finis?