Title- Admissions
Author- Veronica
E-mail- roni.s@sympatico.ca
Rating- U
Disclaimer- All Joss's and Mutant
Feedback- good, bad, as long as I get some
Summery- new found love between old friends
The time that she had spent away had helped her to learn self control over her powers and give herself some small sense of inner peace. Willow had, with the help from the coven, discovered that everything was connected, from the people and the animals living above, to the creatures and roots of every plant living below. She could even feel the emotions, if she concentrated, from the plants and animals and the people around her.
She hadn't wanted to leave the lush green hills of England, had tried talking Giles into letting her stay, but to no avail. Giles had decided that it was time for her to go home. Home... was Sunnydale still her home? Would Buffy and Xander still be willing to accept her back into their little circle? She didn't know, and wasn't at all sure that she wanted to find out. After what she had done, the things she'd said, Willow couldn't blame them-wouldn't blame them if they chose to have nothing to do with her. Still, the possible loss of Xander's friendship bit into her mind, and her heart.
She decided that maybe, in the end, that was probably for the best thing for everyone concerned. Even with her new found control, the possibilities were too great, and the idea of hurting any one of them... she doubted highly if she could live with that.
As it was a couple of months ago, she had wanted to die, but Giles stood by her, was supportive and a much needed shoulder to cry on... something she had done alot of. He never gave up on her, wouldn't let her give up on herself as he tried to sidetrack her mind on to other topics of interest such as theology and phylosophy, and even ancient myths and legends. Willow had found him to be a very interesting person to talk to, something they had never really done before unless it pertained to research on the next 'Demon of the Week'. She enjoyed hearing the tales of his youth, and even laughed at the telling of his rebelious years. Giles had very much been her pillar of strength.
"Nervous?" he asked, interupting her thoughts.
"How could you tell?" she said smiling slightly before her face became serious once again. "I'm afraid they'll hate me."
"Somehow, I doubt that will happen. But no matter the outcome, it is time for you to come home." he spoke softly.
"Home... I don't even know where home is anymore. Giles, I'm so confused, I don't know what to think or what to feel. I didn't want to leave England, I still want to turn around and go back... it felt safe there."
"Your place is here, Willow. Not England."
"All I know is, if you hadn't been with me the last couple months, I wouldn't have made it. Giles, all I wanted to do was die."
"I think you give yourself far too little credit. You are much stronger than you think."
"You don't understand, I gave up. Life just wasn't worth living anymore. I didn't want to feel... I wanted to die." she paused. "My life just didn't matter to me anymore."
"But I do understand. You forget that I was able to see through your eyes, I knew what you were thinking, I could feel what you felt... the pain you were in. The power you took from me linked us both together. So you see, I do know."
"Can you still feel..." she let the question trail off as she nervously knitted her fingers together.
"Not as strongly as before. The residual link is gradually fading, but yes, I can. Given time it will fully disipate."
"Giles?"
"Yes, Willow?"
"Thank you... for everything." she said as she looked into his eyes and smiled.
* * * * * * * *
Giles and Willow made their way down the terminal and headed for the baggage carousel, weaving in and around crowds of others scurrying past in all directions. Willow found her bag easily, but it took Giles a minute to find his, and another minute as he argued with someone who thought the suitcase was his own. Argument over, Giles the victor, they headed towards the large glass doors that would allow them to escape the building.
Much to the red heads surprise, there, waiting beside the doors were Dawn and Buffy holding ribbons with many balloons floating at the tops. One foil balloon, larger than the rest put some of Willow's fears at ease as she read the words, 'We Miss You. Standing beside the girls was Xander. Her eyes couldn't stop from moving to the slight scars on his left cheek, and a large wave of guilt washed over her. She felt Giles put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from running in the other direction. 'Damn it!' she thought as her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. The movement of Xander's arms caught her attention as she looked at the sign he held up. 'Bestest Bud- Waiting For A Hug'. For a moment all she could do was stare as her feet held her frozen to the spot she stood in. But as Xander made his way to her with a big smile, her bottom lip trembled and the tears spilled as her feet let go of the floor, and she ran into his outstretched arms. He hugged her tightly and whispered softly into he ear, "I love you, best bud. Welcome home".
Chapter 2
The drive to Buffy's was a quick one, as Willow looked out the window to see Anya standing in the doorway. They all clammered out of Xander's car and Buffy and Dawn went on ahead, while Giles and Willow walked to the trunk of the car to get they're belongings. Xander opened the trunk, but as the red head reached in for her bag, the young man's hand flew in and pulled it out saying, "I got it, Will. You go on in the house and relax."
Willow looked to Giles and saw him nod in the direction of the house, urging her to go in. She turned and walked slowly to the door, and once there Anya ushered her over to a chair.
"Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea, soda, brandy?"
Willow looked at her wide-eyed over the last offer and shook her head. "No, I'm fine, Anya, but thanks anyway."
"Okay." she said. "We're glad your back. We all missed you."
"I'm sorry, Anya," Willow said looking at her hands. "I'm sorry about what I did to you."
"Well, you should be. You ruined my store, and my head hurt for a week." The vengence demon looked at her and relented, "But, I guess I can forgive you. Just don't do that again." All Willow could do was nod. "Are you sure you don't want that brandy? It'll make you feel warm, if you don't mind it burning your throat."
"No thanks. I'm not really thirsty."
"Suit yourself. If you change your mind its over there in the liquor cabinet." she said as she left to join the girls at the far end of the room.
* * * * *
"Giles, are you sure she's okay? I mean, she didn't say a word in the car all the way here."
"She's find, Xander. You must understand, this is hard for her right now. She's looking into the faces of people who love her the most, and these are the same people she hurt. The guilt she's feeling is immense... so much so that she, in fact, did not want to leave England."
"You mean, she really didn't wanna come back?"
"That is exactly what I mean. Don't worry, just give her some time to adjust, everything will work itself out."
* * * * *
Gile's and Xander walked in the house and set the suit case and Willow's bag down by the door. The younger man made his way over to Willow with a huge friendly grin on his face as he stood in front of her. She looked up and couldn't help but smile back.
"Want me to get ya something? Anything? Coffee... no wait. All that time in England, your probably used to tea. Want tea? I can do tea."
"No thanks. Anya already offered, I don't want anything."
"Hey, no sweat." he replied, "Oooh, I could go for some chips though." he turned towards the girls, "Hey, Buff. Do you have any Dorito's?"
"Yeah, in the kitchen. First cupboard, left of the sink." at that, Xander turned and headed towards the kitchen.
Giles, always the observer, stood in the livingroom entry casually leaned against the doorframe. He could feel how uncomfortable she was as she sat there quietly with her head bowed and hands on her lap.
"Yummy." said the young man as he came back into the room and headed towards the girls, while munching noisily on his chips.
Giles continued to watch for a short time, seeing the others stealing quick glances at Willow, then looking away to talk softly amongst themselves. Giles walked over and kneeled down beside Willow, "I think this is enough excitement for one night. Don't you?" he said and she nodded her head in agreement. He could feel the relief flood her body as he looked into her face, seeing hope and grattitude written in her emerald eyes. He placed a hand on her back signafying that it was time to go. "I appreciate the little reunion, but I'm afraid its time I took Willow home. The trip was long and the jet lag is starting to chatch up with the both of us."
"But..." Buffy spoke up, " I thought you'd be staying here, Will. I left your room exactly the way it was when you left."
"Thanks, Buffy. But I'm not ready to go... I can't... its still to soon. I'm sorry."
"Hey, no big. Its always here when your ready." said the blonde.
"Goodnight all." Giles said as he led Willow to the front door and grabbed they're luggage.
Chapter 3
"And here's the guest room. Its nothing fancy, but it should be okay."
"Willow, after living in a monestary for two months, this room is a suite at the Carlton by comparrison." he said with a chuckle, "This will do nicely, thank you." and he put his suit case down by the bed. The red head stood in the doorway and a wave of uncertaintly spread through Giles as he turned to face the young woman. "What is it, Willow?"
"I... I'm glad you brought me home... 'this' home, I mean. I just wasn't ready and..."
"Its quite alright, I understand. I had already figured on bringing you to your parents home."
"You did?"
"Quite. I figured, given the situation, you would be somewhat uncomfortable at Buffy's. The logical choice was to bring you here."
he said, and could feel the adoration emminating from her, and the look of gratitude settle upon her face. "Go on with you, get some rest. Its been a long day for both of us."
Willow went to him and gave him a gentle hug, but to his surprise, she kissed him on the cheek, and smiled as she said goodnight, leaving him alone in the room.
After the door closed behind her, Giles sat down on the edge of the bed and cradled his head in his hands. 'If only she knew' he thought as he sat there, mentally chastizing himself for being a silly old man. He wondered if all the time they had spent together, almost every moment of the day-when she wasn't studying with the ladies of the coven- had been what caused his feeling for her to change.
He had gone with her to England, knowing she would need a familiar friendly face to help her to get through these trying times. At first it was disheartening. She was so depressed she did nothing but lay on her cot in her room, she responded to no one and ate nothing for two weeks. Giles had tried to urge her into getting out of bed at least, but his words went by unheeded. Towards the end of the second week, he decided to try another tactic... he started telling her of his youth. At first nothing happened, but by the third day she cracked a wide grin at the telling of his stint in a rock band.
New hope flared in Giles, and he kept up the story telling, and was soon able to get her out for short walks in the hills. It wasn't long after that she decided to participate in the lessons of control, and would eagerly tell him everything she was taught. As time went on she told him of her own life, openly trusting him with the details that she would never tell to anyone else.
Giles felt a spark of pride as she openly talked about her parents, school and friends and her feelings. He found it so hard to believe that with everything she had endured in her young life, she was still able to give her heart to anyone who needed it, and did so willingly. She was truely a remarkable person, with her innocense and her ability to care.
Innocense... that was a trait that seemed to be missing now, and he feared that it would be totally irretrievable, lost due to past events. The one thing that made her stand out from all others. Now when he looks into her eyes, that quality is gone and her eyes appear to be much older, older than they should for someone her age. As she trusted him with her life, so did he with his, and a new understanding was formed between the two.
He had been told one day that she was out in the fields, that she wanted some time to be alone with her thoughts, so he stood at the corner of the building so she couldn't see him. He watched as she slowly stood up and wave a hand in front of her. Within moments he saw small white flowers spring up out of the ground, making the field a beautiful sight for the eye to see. He couldn't help leaving the corner of the building and walking towards the field to get a closer look. Willow sensed him and turned around, giving him the most radiant smile he'd ever seen in his life. Seeing the long lost sparkle in her eyes and a smile directed to only him... it was then he knew he was in love.
Chapter 4
It had taken a fair amount of coaxing to get Willow out and about with Buffy the next day. Buffy had decided that they had to have a much needed 'catch up' day, just the two of them out walking the way they used to. The slayer had done the majority of the talking, about a new guy she'd just met a few weeks ago, about training Dawn and how well it was going. She took Willow to the new high school that had been built over the old one. Memories flooded Willow's mind as she remembered the carefree days of when the trio used to go there, laughing and joking with each other. Of battling vampires... not to mention almost being killed by Angelus in the hall, meeting Spike for the first time. And all those hours doing research in the library.
Giles...
Her mind drifted to the ex-watcher, thoughts of him drowning out Buffy's whimsical chatter... not that the slayer really noticed anyway. Giles had been the one person in her life that she had come to respect, respected more than her own parents. One night in particular came to her, solidifying her feelings for the tall quiet librarian.
After being told that she was to do Percy's history paper on Rosevelt, a small rebellious streak took hold, and she decided to go see what the gang was up to instead. She walked into the library and saw three of the saddest faces she'd ever seen in her life. Xander had come running at her and held a cross about two inches away from her face. A curious look came over his face as he moved it away to give it a little shake, as if that would fix whatever was wrong with it, and shoved it at her again.
When they finally realized that she was alive, Buffy and Xander grabbed her and hugged her. When they finally let go she turned to Giles for an explanation, but he too, had grabbed her, almost squeezing the life from her. When he stepped back to look at her, she saw that he was near to tears as the relief was evident all over his face. He gave her a huge smile, and stepped back, too confused in his joy to try and come up with a real explanation for the 'Vampire Willow' that the others had seen that night.
She had never told anyone, but secretly she had always been attrackted to Giles, but the hug and the expression on his face caused her heart to beat faster and butterflies in her stomache. That was the moment she had fallen in love with him, remaining her secret to this day. She was just a kid at the time, she could never have told him then... so she settled for Oz. She did grow to love him, but more than anything, she was tired of being alone. She loved Tara too, dearly in fact... but that had started off as a rebound.
"Hey, Willow. Where'd ya go?"
"Wha...?"
"You kinda zoned or something on me. You okay?" asked the blonde with concern.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just remembering all the times we spent in high school." Willow replied.
"We had such fun times then, huh." it was a statement.
"Seems like it was a hundred years ago." Willow's voice sounded far away.
"Boy, time sure flies. Hey, wanna get some icecream?"
"Sure, sounds good. Its been a while since I've had any."
"Sooo, you haven't told me anything about England. What was it like?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Oh, it was so beautiful, Buffy. I've never seen so many green hills. Giles even took me to see Stone Henge. Oh Buffy, it was absolutely wonderful seeing it in person instead of in a book or on television." the red head said excitedly, the first happy emotion Buffy had seen in her friend since her return.
"What was it like... the coven,I mean?"
"It was okay." she replied, eyes downcast as the excitement faded. "They're afraid of me, Buffy."
"Afraid? Why? They took your powers, its not like you can cast spells anymore." Buffy said, but Willow made no reply. "Will?"
"They couldn't take my powers, Buffy. I still have them."
"But, I thought..."
"I'm a 'natural' witch. I was born with this power, and they couldn't take it away because it is part of what makes me. It is what I am... who I am. All they could do was teach me how to control it in hopes that I would use it properly. They told me that when one is a 'natural', magic is not an addiction- but a way of life that requires discretion and proper control."
"Wow." was the only response Buffy could come up with. With nothing left to say about what she'd heard, she decided a change of subject was in order. "C'mon. Lets get some ice cream and I'll tell you all about Dawn's training."
Chapter 5
The two girls made it back to the house early that evening, but didn't see Giles anywhere and assumed he was out.
"Would you like me to make you some tea, Buffy?"
"I think you spent way too much time in England." Buffy said laughing, "I'd rather have a soda, if you don't mind?"
"Tea was all they drank in the coven... tea and water. Its not so bad. The taste kinda grows on you, if you drink it for long enough."
Willow said as she headed towards the kitchen. "I'll just be a couple minutes, kay?"
"Sure, no rush." was Buffy's response as she walked around the room, looking at the pictures that hung on the walls. Strangely, Buffy noticed that there was no family portrait, just pictures of Willow, and a few of her parents. She saw nothing of her and her parents together... odd.
Buffy had never noticed this before, but reminded herself that she had very seldon ever stepped foot in this house. No one, not even Xander felt comfortable in this house, so plans were always made for Willow to go to Buffy's or Xanders instead.
Shortly after she left, Willow returned to the room with a tray containing a tea pot and cup, and Buffy's soda, which she promptly handed to the slayer after she set the tray down.
The red head sat and poured tea into her cup, placed the pot back on the tray and grabbed her steaming drink, blowing on it before sipping. The blonde watched as her friend let out a sigh and lean back in her seat.
"Yup, way too much time in England." said Buffy with a playful smirk on her face. Willow couldn't help but smile back as Buffy sat down in the chair and took a large gulp from her soda.
They sat in silence for a time as Buffy studied the face of her best friend. Willow looked the same, but it just didn't seem like her anymore... she was so much quieter now, hardly speaking unless spoken to. She hardly laughed, and Buffy realized how much she missed the bubbly sound of Willow's laughter. She looked closer at her friend and noticed the eyes, they were different... older looking, and the sparkle ws gone.
"Will, please don't take this the wrong way, but... what happened to you? Your so different. You've barely smiled, hardly talk... I'm worried about you, we all are."
"Nothing 'happened' to me, Buffy. Its just... I grew up. I'm not the same shy, innocent kid that I was before... before everything happened. I've had time to look at my life, see the mistakes I've made. I've made some decisions with my life now, and it's time to see which direction it takes me." Willow replied, but Buffy picked up a note of sadness in the red heads voice.
"What kind of decision, Will?"
"Ilove you, Buffy, and I'm sorry... but it's not something that I can talk to you about, at least not yet."
"Willow," Buffy was begining to worry, "Is everything okay?"
"Buffy, I assure you, everything's fine. Its just... it's something I have to do on my own."
"You will come to me if you need anything, right? I'll help any way I can."
"I know you will, and thanks."
* * * *
A short time later Buffy left, needing to make supper for her and Dawn. She had invited Willow over, but the red head declined the invitation. Unknown to both girls, Giles had been in his toom, staying there when he heard them enter the house, allowing them some time to do the usual girl-talk. He had heard the entire conversation and worry clutched at his chest. What had Willow meant? Decisions were made that she couldn't talk to anyone about, not even to Buffy? Giles sat back down on his bed. He'd wait another twenty minutes or so before making an appearance, telling her he'd just taken a nap and had just awaken.